Musings of a Lonely Heart
by r0ckit
Summary: Two weeks after her final return from Narnia, Susan has found herself writing down the stories of old. As she struggles to forget what and who she left behind in Narnia, she might have to think otherwise. ONE-SHOT/movieverse/SusPian


_**Disclaimer: I do not own Narnia or any of the characters.**_

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Candlelight was not a reliable source of light during a fierce storm.

Susan Pevensie sighed, laying down her pen as the quivering of the flame cast dancing shadows around her room. As much as she wanted to finish her tedious but priceless project, it seemed she didn't have it in her tonight. With the consistent pattering of rain against the glass window in front of her sounding like a stampede of Narnian horses, she knew there was no possible way she would be able to concentrate.

Squinting at the clock across her bedroom she realized it was close to three in the morning. Massaging the back of her neck, she glanced down at the piles of paper containing her neat handwriting, of words and stories not known to any other person in this world but herself and her three siblings.

Susan didn't know what possessed her to write the stories and adventures of Narnia down on paper. The memories of the sweet land she called her home for fifteen years recalled bittersweet memories and heart-wrenching recollections that will forever haunt her mind. She remembered the midnight rides through the forest; the silent escapes from royal meetings of council, and the laughter her, Lucy, Peter, and Edmund had shared. From the White Witch's downfall to falling onto Narnian shores once more, her heart and mind remembered everything.

So why was she writing this down?

She had started on this project as soon as they returned to England after their second time in Narnia, and ultimately, her and Peter's last return. She dove into the words quickly and swiftly, writing numerous stories in a matter of hours. She ignored the finger cramps, the aching back, and the stiff neck. All that had mattered in her mind was that she writes down these stories.

Sitting back, Susan realized this was her first real break from writing in two weeks, save the mandatory bathroom, eating, and sleeping breaks humans were required to take. She had worked nonstop, and to show for her efforts she had two enormous piles of papers filled with stories enough to make even the most imaginative child's head spin. From Aslan to Mr. Tumnus and the Beavers to Glenstorm and Reepicheep and Cas—

Susan shook her head violently. _No_, she thought grimly, _I won't allow myself to remember his name_.

But the damage was done. Staring out into the damp streets outside, she reluctantly allowed memories of the sweet and noble Telmarine prince that had captured her attention, and consequently her heart. Susan wistfully recalled the soft curling of his hair around his rugged face, in which bore a brooding, slightly cocky, royal expression that suited him perfectly. She smiled to herself sadly, as she remembered the way his facial features would soften when he gazed at her, his eyes full of emotion and need.

She was never much of a boy-fanatic. After living half a lifetime in Narnia, she had had her share of suitors, both handsome and otherwise alike, but even then none had tempted her heart the way Caspian X had.

Susan didn't know how or why the attraction started, but it was there just the same. When it was time for them to say goodbye in front of both Narnians and Telmarines, she put on a brave face, but inside…inside her heart was breaking into a million pieces…and it frightened her.

How long had she known him? A month? A little less? A little more?

Laying her head down on her desk amongst her papers, she felt a tear roll down her cheek. Leaving Narnia for the last time, she was confused, uncertain, emotional. Her bright smile was for her siblings' and the peoples' sake, but inside she felt terrible. She was a logical person by nature, but with those feeling she felt insecure and vulnerable.

Closing her eyes she pictured the Telmarine prince, now King, as she last saw him before she turned and walked out of Narnia and his line of sight for what might be forever. More tears began to roll down her cheeks as she remembered the home, and possibly love, she had left behind two weeks ago.

_Aslan! _She mentally wept inside, _Why? Why expose me to such a beautiful world, a wonderful place…why did you allow Caspian and I to meet if…if…_

"If I were only to take you away from him in the end?"

Susan gasped as she heard the all-too familiar voice of the noble lion in her room. Spinning around, she was met with darkness and silence.

"Aslan?" She whispered. "Aslan? Are you here?"

"Always, and forevermore in your heart, Susan Pevensie, Queen of Narnia."

Susan turned her head back to the window where, to her surprise, was Aslan's reflection instead of her own staring straight at her. His mane and piercing eyes were the same as in real life, and the once Queen of the Horn found herself bowing to the image in the glass.

"You have regrets about returning, Susan. I see it on your face, and in your heart."

The dark-haired daughter of Eve reluctantly raised her head and met his golden brown eyes. "It is impossible to shield my heart and feelings from you, Aslan."

"Spoken with wisdom beyond your years," he returned, a slight smile playing on his face. "You regret leaving Narnia, but you regret leaving Caspian just as much, if not more."

"Yes."

"Dear one," Aslan spoke warmly, "do not let your heart be burdened, for I have not brought you two together in spite."

Susan felt the tears rush down her cheeks once more. "But…how…"

"My dear Susan," the lion smiled softly, "you will see many people in your lifetime come and go, some leaving an imprint, others barely a whisper. Then there are those, when you least expect it, who come into your life to help you ease the pain of loneliness."

"Caspian…"

Aslan chuckled. "I myself did not foresee the connection between you and Caspian to be so strong. But, as with many other things in life, surprises come and knock us off our horse. You two understood one another in ways your brothers and sister would probably never understand. You helped him ease the pain of losing his family and life to the greedy nature of his uncle by showing him kindness and respect, and in turn he helped you open your heart to those around you and temporarily forget the wall of bitterness you encased your heart in after returning from Narnia after yours and your siblings' reign."

Susan stilled, letting his words sink in. "I…I never…"

"Do not let your heart sink into a sea of regret and loneliness, Queen Susan the Gentle. Remember what Narnia and I have taught you, and do not throw away what Caspian has helped you recall. Move on and learn…but never forget."

For the first time in two weeks, perhaps in more than a year, Susan felt the heaviness of her chest lifted.

"Now, dear one, wake up."

Susan opened her eyes, startled that it had all been a dream. Lifting her head from her desk she looked around her room before settling on the window. The rain had stopped, and the sun was beginning to rise, but there was no reflection of the lion.

"Move on and learn…but never forget…"

Susan stared at the piles of papers and her ink-stained hands.

_My heart remembered while my mind tried to forget._

All this time painful memories of leaving Caspian and Narnia behind were hiding the true reason why she wrote own the stories of old. Her mind blocked sense, but her heart remained open. These stories were to help her move on…but never forget.

Smiling to herself, she took a deep breath as she shuffled her papers in order. It was a new day, a new start, and somewhere in Narnia she knew that Caspian was doing great things.

Her hand paused over one particular sheet of paper with handwriting that was not hers. Relighting the flame that had gone out while she slept, tears and a bittersweet smile came to her as she read the unfamiliar scrawl.

**A certain Telmarine King needed the same comfort and advice I bestowed upon you. Your bodies may be apart, but your hearts and minds stay true to one another. You are never truly alone, Susan of the Horn.**

Lifting her face, Susan Pevensie, the Gentle Queen of Narnia, took in the sunrise with a newly found sense of faith.

And somewhere in the distance, she heard a mighty lion's roar.

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_**AN: After watching Prince Caspian, I thought the Susan/Caspian pairing was one of the most innocent and heart-wrenching couples I have seen yet…and I couldn't rest until I wrote a little fanfic. I believe that the connection between Susan and Caspian goes beyond attraction…but into what a person needs to help keep loneliness at bay. **_

_**P.S. I only write Inuyasha fanfiction, so this is my first! Hope you enjoyed it )**_


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